Private Emotion

Some things you just can never be sure of. Some things you can't blog about. Some things you have to hide away like decaying skeletons in the closets of your mind. Always pushed to the corners of your mind until it becomes a routine reaction. Whatever you do, whatever you feel, there's this lingering shadow in the back of your mind.

Some say sorrow and pain should not be kept to one's self. Some say burden is better shared. Some say it's your problem, not theirs.

Some say cast your worries on the Almighty; let the Truth set you free. But how can I when I feel the inner workings of my heart falter with every beat? To have love and lost, to have put in everything only to have everything rejected.

The inner child in me wants to throw a huge tantrum and demand that things go as I will. But another darker shadow inside me tells me to stop being a silly girl. What's lost is lost. Better to lose less now, than lose even more later. She tells me that I don't need them; I can rise above them; it is their loss.

I don't trust that darker me. She is older and wiser from all her trials, but is she really who I am? Who I've turned out to be? An unrelenting, self-motivated woman who lets nothing tear her down?

I don't recognise myself anymore. How can half of me decide she doesn't care and isn't affected, whilst the other half winces in pain?

Pain because of blood affiliation. Pain because something once so much a part of you is torn away from you in an instance, unblinking. Maybe the fact that it can be so easily taken away simply shows that it is NOT as much a part of me as I thought.

Still..

Thinkin of all the hard work and effort I'd put in upsets me. When I turn to Him, I realise maybe this is the crunch. Maybe this is what it means to serve Him in everything, even when things are not "worth" clinging on to.

When a dream is crushed, do we cling on to the hope that they will still come true one day or is hope futile and our time on earth considered too precious to be spent on such things as dreams?

I feel as if the inner child in me has died tonight as I mourn a future that will forever remain unseen.

Such is the state of my mind. I have many things to mourn. Tonight I shall mourn them one at a time.


- 24 February 2006 3:24am -